Thoughts Unsaid Then Forgotten

Sometimes, in the midst of friendships that are falling apart and relationships that were doomed from the very beginning, you get something rare and precious that you never want to let go of. Romance is good, it's wonderful, it satisfies you like nothing else does- but true friends, they're the ones who will be there when everything else ends. It sounds so cliche, it's been said so many times that people lost count a long, long time ago. But all cliches are cliches because they're true.

It is difficult, to give more than you take. It's almost impossible to trust more than you are trusted. But when you strike that balance between giving and taking, trusting and being trusted, never doubt it. That's when you've found the sort of friendship that lasts and lasts and lasts, and even through times when you drift apart a little, you rediscover each other after that and it's so much more awesome than before.

Thank you, for being there. Here, I mean- here for me.

Though they say friendship between girls is never without bitching and backstabbing, I like to think that it's okay to do that when everything is revealed later, and neither one has hard feelings. That's why you have friends. They forgive, and they do not forget, so that the next time it will be easier to bear.

Remember that, you (me?). When everything you cherish seems like it's going to fizzle out, remember that there is always someone out there who will give you a band-aid and tell you to cheer up, just when you need it the most.

lonely? not.

Have always been afraid of being alone.

Would rather die than to be all alone in the world;
with no other person existing beside me.

Very grateful for that certain someone who's here for me right now.
No, not that certain someone - another certain someone :)

I hope you have your other certain someone too!

If not, at least - you'll have me.

I'll be here for you, do you hear me?

life goes on, but some things can stay;

I always smiled at them.

Smiled when they held each other,
smiled when they supported each other through dark times,
smiled when they smiled at me,
smiled when they smiled at each other,
smiled when they were together.

I can't seem to smile now.

I'm sure they still support each other,
that they smile at each other.

They still smile at me, but I miss them as them.

But who am I to say anything?
Life brings us to different paths, different forks on the paths.
People meet, people bid each other farewell -
in more ways than I can imagine.

To you out there
I know you're appreciating as much as you can;

don't forget to appreciate them.

Love for a Foreign Planet

I asked a friend something, today. If you're really gay, I said, then why don't you check out guys? He gave me this sad, sweet smile, and said: Because I'm not homosexual, I'm K*sexual. K, his late boyfriend. I felt awful after I asked, because it brought back all that bittersweet nostalgia. He has been so unfailingly loyal, and thinking of all the ways that he was hurt because of that love makes me feel guilty about complaining about my own difficulties--

But my dear.. How would you handle loving someone you're not supposed to love? Whether it's because that someone would be better off without your love, or if the sort of love you have is just not accepted in society. I don't know what I'm doing even at the best of times. I wonder how you would deal with it.

Have you ever been in love? Isn't it horrible? The love that I have now, is like loving a foreign planet. I don't understand anything. Maybe if I reach out to you, and we connected, some strange understanding would happen. Maybe I will finally get it.

Maybe I am only dreaming.

*name changed for privacy issues

Sign

Is there someone like this in your life? Someone who breaks your heart at every turn, with every innocent sentence they speak, every fleeting touch they think means nothing.. I wish there would be warnings, when you have relationships with these people. This person will be painful, or This individual has the potential to be everything, or even This is heartbreak.

I lost my space when I lost this person. I can't move. I can't go anywhere.

that time of the morning;

It's 3.
It's raining.

I don't think the world has been more silent at any other hour.

The raindrops are calling out to me;
trying to calm my shaking fear -

my fear of loneliness.

Maybe if you were there,
maybe if I heard you,
maybe if you heard me,

I'd feel a lot less lonely right now.

Do you hear me?

Black Glitter

Scratching out patterns on a black surface that hides glowing copper. When I draw on it with this metal blade the black falls away, glittering, and here a leaf appears, there a field mouse. It is a strangely calming thing to do, and I am pleased with what my fingers call forth out of blank black card.

Maybe if you cut me hard enough- deep enough- there would be brilliant things hiding in me too? But I've tried that before, and there was only bright red and pulsing pink-and-white. So delicate, underneath my skin, but there was- nothing. Nothing that said I am more than a piece of flesh with bones and marrow and veins.

Are you thinking about this too?

You know, I've always wondered what makes us human. Is it maybe the fact that we imagine, that we think of things like this? There is someone else out there, just like me, who is going through the same things and feeling the same pain. It's such a beautiful thought. But right now there isn't anyone, and I am alone. Alone, thinking of what has been and what could be... Of people who tell you they love you and then, abruptly, don't.

Imagining that you have gone through all this and come out scarred but healed; that gives me strength.

When I feel like I have enough strength for me, and for someone else, I like to try to send these good feelings to that someone else. It feels like insurance. Like when I do this for someone, someone will do the same for me. Maybe you will do the same.

I know that people will tell me, hey, your hope is so stupid. It's fragile. I know that. But I think whatever helps, helps. And so I will continue sending you the good vibes, my alternate self, in hope that you will do the same for me, when I need it.

equivalent trade;

Awhile ago;
I was so happy.
Joy overflowing and spilling onto the floor.
Love bubbling and waiting to be expressed.

Then I was scared.

There's happiness; because there is the absence of it.

There's sadness.

Right now;
I'm scared.
Paranoia crashing down on me in hurting waves.
Chills running up and down my shaking frame.

If only I could exchange with you some happiness,
When you were sad.

If only we could connect, and balance out all our opposing feelings.

Then I'd feel more secure.
I'd feel like I was standing on solid ground.

- but then, I'd only be feeling the same every time.

Should we take the risk of having roller coaster emotions then?
What say you :)

there's you;

sleeping in on a rainy morning;
even though you have too many chores lined up for the day.

munching on a bag of stale cereal;
just because it's still sweet.

stoning at the computer;
just because you can do so.

eating instant noodles and resisting the urge to indulge in chocolates;
weird diet but who'd ever find out?

I've learned to never look back.

Because if I do;
It hurts more;
It holds me back;
I'll never get anywhere.

So, you!
Don't look back either :)
Live today to the fullest!
Up till every single last drop of you has been exhausted to heaven and back.

Kindness

Hey. Let's pretend, just for a while, that I am you and you are me. Let's exchange lives. They'd be the same, right? We'd hang out with the same sort of people- listen to the same kind of music- read the same genre of books. Maybe the only difference would be that you're content without having fallen in love.

Or maybe you are in love, and out there, somewhere, you say "be gentle," and the night throws its dark blanket over you. Will you give me this kindness? Will you let me believe that nobody is alone?

I feel like no one could feel the way I do now. Isn't that vain? Probably a million other people are feeling this strange saudade. Parallel selves?

It is the way of people- of humans- to yearn for the unattainable.

The Truth Hurts

Don't they always say things like that?

I've learned - as I'm sure you will, my parallel self (or have you already?) - that they say it for a reason. It's true, after all. When you exhale, slowly, your breath forming words you can never take back: that moment is agony and joy all in one. "How can you stand it?" you ask, choking on the words that are drawn so painfully from your lips. This madness, this spiral down into chaos that is the Universe. How indeed?

"By being human, my dear- by taking the pain and changing it into strength."

Live life, other me, and don't look back. There is so much potential hidden in just living.

that morning breath;

Hi there parallel me;

I wonder if you're sipping your cold drink,
while breathing in the chilly morning air,
Closing your eyes to the sweet music
that's playing through the earphones,
Thanking God, that the people who mean the world to you
- are right here for you.

Parallel Lines

Have you ever wondered whether maybe, just maybe, there is someone out there, in this world, or even this universe, who is just like you? That perhaps someday, if you hope hard enough or wish long enough, you might just meet them? That your parallel lines will intersect?

I wonder if while writing this, someone is thinking the same thing as I am. When I publish this for all the world to see, isn't there just the slightest chance that this other Me will see it? and know that he (or she-) is the one of whom I speak..?