Black Glitter

Scratching out patterns on a black surface that hides glowing copper. When I draw on it with this metal blade the black falls away, glittering, and here a leaf appears, there a field mouse. It is a strangely calming thing to do, and I am pleased with what my fingers call forth out of blank black card.

Maybe if you cut me hard enough- deep enough- there would be brilliant things hiding in me too? But I've tried that before, and there was only bright red and pulsing pink-and-white. So delicate, underneath my skin, but there was- nothing. Nothing that said I am more than a piece of flesh with bones and marrow and veins.

Are you thinking about this too?

You know, I've always wondered what makes us human. Is it maybe the fact that we imagine, that we think of things like this? There is someone else out there, just like me, who is going through the same things and feeling the same pain. It's such a beautiful thought. But right now there isn't anyone, and I am alone. Alone, thinking of what has been and what could be... Of people who tell you they love you and then, abruptly, don't.

Imagining that you have gone through all this and come out scarred but healed; that gives me strength.

When I feel like I have enough strength for me, and for someone else, I like to try to send these good feelings to that someone else. It feels like insurance. Like when I do this for someone, someone will do the same for me. Maybe you will do the same.

I know that people will tell me, hey, your hope is so stupid. It's fragile. I know that. But I think whatever helps, helps. And so I will continue sending you the good vibes, my alternate self, in hope that you will do the same for me, when I need it.